OK...so, I don't really know Joni...only through facebook...BUT...I have met her wonderful husband Troy through the music industry. Troy always spoke well of his (then, partner - they are married now) wife Joni when interviewed. I felt like I knew her just a little bit. So, we became friends on facebook.
Cancer has been in my life in various ways...and, each time: it scares me, pisses me off, and down-right makes me sad....sometimes mourn. I do not like cancer.
What I do like is how Joni opened up and talked about Mr Bad C.....this letter "still" makes me cry. I am so happy that Mr. Bad C did not rape her of life.
And, this is why I am sharing this with you - with her permission - and, please feel free to comment afterwords. Cancer is serious and it is everywhere. And, may it never take YOU from this world!
Dear Cancer...
An exercise I was given..."write a letter to your cancer". Because often we write what we cannot say, and often what we did not know we felt.
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Dear cancer,
It's now been four and a half months since we crossed paths. I have been talking a lot about you, but never to you. It's exhausting. And it's not fair for you to get off the hook so easily. It's time we sorted a few things out between us.
You don't get how you mess up people's lives and the kind of wreckage you leave behind. And I'm one of the lucky ones. Your sins against me are small compared to others. I have every reason to believe that this time, you won't get to claim a win and that 3 months from now, I will only have traces and memories of you. But while I am planning to survive you, I am still forever changed by you. And I will never again get to be someone who hasn't faced and feared you cutting my days short.
You want to know what should be on your conscience?
- Hearing scary words like "tumors", "malignancy", "recurrance", "prognosis", "metasteses" and knowing they apply to me now, too.
- Causing me to tell my husband of three months that everything was going to be ok, even though I had no idea if it would be. And knowing that he could read through the fear and the tears, and that he was scared too.
- Making my mom cry and my dad silent when they found out you had taken residence in their youngest child.
- Leaving a large, difficult to camouflage scar on my neck (not unlike the Nike sign - only more like "Just 'Don't' Do It")...a permanent reminder of our time together every time I look in the mirror.
- Making me want to do nothing more than lie around on the couch since we crossed paths. At first, because I was scared that you might start roaming around in my body if I got my heart rate up (you are irrational, so am I). Then, because of the surgery, and feeling like crap. And finally, once I was physically healed, because I was depressed and had a hard time leaving my house.
- Weight gain and medication mood swings.
- Having to write down YOUR name in my medical history. Getting denied for insurance because of our history. Taking two days to read 6 pages because I can only handle seeing your name so many times before it makes me tired and sad.
- Stealing my low range and highest range when I sing. (And if I don't get it back eventually, you and I will be having more words about this!)
- Knowing you are still sitting in a drawer somewhere with my name on it, in case we need to dig you up again for more testing.
- Fearing that you will want to come back one day.
If I am being honest and fair, I have learned from you. I don't want you to misunderstand this and have you thinking I am happy to have known you. I'm not. But what you've taught me is that:
- I need to slow down.
- I love yoga.
- My family doctor likes to high-five and hug when she gets good test results.
- My veins are resilient and strong, and can handle giving blood 19 times in six days.
- The human body is amazing. The human spirit is inspiring.
- I have the best friends and family. Ever.
- People that I didn't even know really LIKED me, LOVE me. And told me so, simply and freely.
- Some people you think will be there for you, aren't, while strangers will surprise you with their generosity and kindness.
- God is good, and He's everywhere. And if I really listen in unlikely places, prayers aren't just a one-way conversation.
- I will always love chocolate, even right after major surgery. And even if I'm starving, I will not eat tuna.
- My husband is unfailing in his love, even when I feel unloveable. And even if he's lying, he swears scars are sexy.
- Our health care system works when you need it to.
- There are so many sick people, but there's so many getting better too.
- You aren't always a death sentence even though you sure try.
- Even in my saddest, most fearful moments, music flows through them all.
So that's it. Do I feel better after getting that off my chest? Not sure. It needed to be said. I may never truly understand why you, and why me and why now but it doesn't really matter anyway. You happened. I can only hang on to the good stuff and try to let go of the fear.
What I want you to hear: it's time for you to go away for good now, and to leave me and my family and friends alone. I will never forget you, but I desperately hope to never see you again.
******
I know, I know...I had to pull him down to my level...but, it was FUN! Safe Travels, Jay...see you at the CCMAs in Hamilton this Sept!
